40 and Finer

Hey there! I don’t know if that was grammatically correct in the title, but I don’t care. I just wanted to write something up and share it, about my experience of being in the 40s so far.

So-so far being in the 40s has been a period of awakening. It’s not “suddenly”, but it’s gradually, and it’s finally obvious. Things that I used to think were important are now definitely not. I have developed a strong ability to maintain my integrity, morality, and ability to maintain self, and circumstances of extreme difficulty.

I have outgrown the need to, and the desire to, do things simply, and just because someone else wants me to do that. I’m not saying that I’m not supportive or helpful, I am definitely both of those things when my mind deems the situation necessary. What I’m talking about now is I no longer exhaust myself, deplete myself, use all of my energy so that I have none left for myself, in order to present as the good “friend”.

I realize that my friends that are true friends care about me whether I do the things that they like or not. Also as a caveat to that, if I’m wrong and not showing up to something that was truly very important to one of my friends, I acknowledge it and apologize for it. If someone is so angry that they distance themselves, I’m fine with that we all have to own our own truths.

So what that means is even when I know I’m wrong I don’t resort to groveling I don’t kiss ass, and I don’t tit for tat. When I find myself “tit for tatting” I internally check myself. Here at just 41 (Yes elder Queens I do realize that at only 41, “I ain’t seen nothing yet.”) yet even despite all the growth I may still need, I see how far I’ve come.

I enjoy my humor even more now. There are things that normally would have upset me or thrown me off, now? Now it’s not as often. Now I find myself thinking things through in a much more dissected manner. I find myself more capable of stepping into the other person shoes and having a quick, brief, moment of realization of what that person’s perspective is. And even when I don’t get it right I get enough of it to understand where they’re coming from, and then the growth in me respects it. Because the growth in me realizes that just because somebody believes something, doesn’t make it true. For me this means that there’s no need to argue with someone who is latched onto a belief so securely that they’re incapable of seeing, or understanding the beliefs of someone else. Essentially I relinquish that stuff to the higher power that I believe in. There’s nothing anyone can do about anyone’s train of thought so there’s no point in getting too tangled in it. Especially when the relationship is more important then the item of argument.

Not arguing and choosing to find more positive ways of dealing with things is important. I seriously consider my physical and mental health when I make decisions to focus on negativity. I even consider it when I consider positive things I consider the impact on my wellbeing, family, and marriage.


“Mom why didn’t you tell me the real about this married life?”

“Well No one said it would be easy.”

That sums up my view of being married. I’m 41 and I am in the 10th year of marriage, and 12th with my husband . All I can say is without my dedication to the commitment, I would not have made it this far. I can’t give advice. At 41 and married I recognize I still need more “job” experience. Still willing to learn the ways to keeping it working. Still tempering my words and reminding myself to speak from love. Yet knowing that those things are necessary, are my growth.

Remaining calm under pressure. Being in charge of my own release valve, so that no one is causing my top to blow.

Loving myself and showing my love to others. Welcoming positive endeavors and interactions. Keep my true priorities in line. All of this is fresh to me, but I’m embracing this evolving perspective. Eager to watch it grow.

I’m 41 and finer.


I go through phases of feeling inadequate. Circumstances and anxiety influence me to look at myself negatively, both physically and mentally.

This time the lightening struck I was ready to fight back. Why not love myself as it is, in this moment. It doesn’t mean I won’t exercise or improve other areas of my life. It just means I accept what I see in any moment. Today I’m extra thick. Tomorrow I will still look the same.

This “selfie-portrait”- (picture of a picture I took of myself). This portrait is piece number 7 in my “Exposed” series. Exposed is all 18X24 sheets of mixed media paper. I have used several mediums including; ink, gouache, watercolor, acrylic, pastel, charcoal, and in “Introspection” (featured), I used graphite, sketch pencils and tinted charcoal.

I hope to demonstrate ways we expose ourselves or express vulnerability. My expressions thus far, range from cartoon to a more realistic perspective. More post from “Exposed” coming soon.

Inspired by a Ballerina.

The 16X20 Charcoal & Pastel in my video was inspired by a photo taken by Paul Torreano. I appreciated the way he captured her, and I was instantly inspired. I also learned an important lesson about being inspired to draw an image that another artist took. I would have gladly paid a fee because once completed this particular image was an instant “fan favorite”. We reached an agreement and I can share my interpretation of his work. I also got to hear from the ballerina who is absolutely amazing to me. I titled it, “Gracefully Woman “. The ballerina/model’s name is Aesha Grace Ash. She’s a mother of two and doesn’t dance professionally anymore, but you would never know looking at her in the photo.

As Spring Begins

11X14 Mixed Media Paper, Oil Pastel. I started this somewhat trippy bridge scene to warm up or brainstorm, for a Paint Party request. It is my first time even attempting a quasi realistic bridge, also first time using mineral oil to blend the oil pastel, as well.

<a href=’https://1-tara-rocker.pixels.com’><img src=’https://fineartamerica.com/images/marketinglogos/LogoFineArtAmericaBlueShapeBlackBackground.jpg&#8217; alt=’Art Prints’ title=’Art Prints’ style=’border: none;’></a>